Embarrassed Diebold officials apologized after one of their electronic voting machines prematurely revealed the winner of our upcoming sham election.
More coverage at: http://onion.com
For a majority of likely voters, meaningless bullshit will be the most important factor in deciding who they will vote for in 2008.
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Experts are still trying to determine the effect of the concentric circles on the long squiggly green objects located in the blue area.
More coverage: http://onion.com
Today Now! has the story of an 8-year-old whose demand for never-ending wish fulfillment may force the Make-A-Wish Foundation to shut down.
More coverage at: http://onion.com
Breaking News, officials confirm that all online data has been lost after the Internet crashed and was forced to restart.
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Experts predict that Joad Cressbeckler could tip the election to Obama by attracting people who want to vote for the most crotchety candidate possible.
The United States gave billions of dollars in aid to the wealthy European principality of Andorra, which it mistakenly assumed was a poor African country.
More coverage at: http://onion.com
In The Know: Panelists discuss ways to care for the nation's paranoid schizophrenics, such as hiding cameras in their homes or audio transmitters in their ears.
More coverage at: http://www.onion.com
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